Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Words Can Harm and Words Can Heal


Pen is mightier than the sword
Words, both in written as well as verbal communication can give us oceans of information.
Even the unsaid nuances can also say a lot about a person. The hesitation, the evasiveness and the way one speaks, everything as a whole combination can convey meaning and help us understand people. We all can make an attempt at understanding what people are saying without words, not only will that help us in understanding someone's inner motive but also it can heal our relationships and make them better. This is not the same as mind reading (Actually, there is no such thing as mind reading, we only end up assuming things about the other person which are filtered through our biases and limited understanding) 
The power of words and the impact it has on people can make or break lives. 
Words can harm us when spoken at the wrong time and when we are especially feeling vulnerable.
When you give your heart to someone special and serve it on a silver platter and you are in a vulnerable position, imagine someone stomping on your heart and rejecting it. "It's nothing personal", "it's not you, it's me". 
Or if you are in the field of academia, the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt would seem very familiar. The submission and re-submissions or papers can really break someone's spirit. The initial passion often gets rejected over and over again till the time, you accept that, it's okay not to expect much. Forget about getting praised for your efforts, but imagine getting negative feedback after negative feedback upon submitting your best work. 
This cycle can really breed self-doubt amongst even the best and the most stalwarts and stellar performers. They may be successful in the eyes of the world but still a fool in front of their research guides. 
Often after listening to constant criticisms, you begin to internalize those voices and cause internal suffering to yourself. 
This is how words can have a harmful impact on you. 
I am not going to suggest tips on how you can fix this situation, because all of us are different and what works for me may be different from what works for you. Often having the realization about the impact of (perceived negative) words is enough. (For us to understand from where the root of our problem is situated/located/lies)
Words can heal/ soothe people too. If words are the culprit, then they can help too.
We are often dumbfounded and are speechless when we have to talk to someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one. 
Following is a list by David Kessler (an author who has worked extensively on grief), which I have compiled for you, if you are experiencing the same speechlessness. Using these words and not using some of these phrases can help you deal with one of the trickiest situations that we all are going to face in our lives.
The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief
  1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
  2. He is in a better place.
  3. She brought this on herself.
  4. There is a reason for everything.
  5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now.
  6. You can have another child still.
  7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.
  8. I know how you feel.
  9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
  10. Be strong. 
The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief
1.      I am so sorry for your loss.
2.      I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3.      I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4.     You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5.      My favourite memory of your loved one is….
6.      I am always just a phone call away.
7.     Give a hug instead of saying something.
8.     We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.
9.      I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
10.  Saying nothing, just be with the person.


Most of us fight and resist loss throughout our lives, not understanding that life is loss and loss is life; life cannot change and we cannot grow without loss. There's an old Jewish saying that if you dance at a lot of weddings, you'll cry at a lot of funerals. This means that if you are present at many beginnings, you'll also be there for many endings. If you have many friends, you will experience your share of losses.
If you feel that you are suffering great loss, it's only because you have been so richly blessed by life.
The love you have felt and the love you have given cannot be lost.


Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always contact your qualified health provider before implementing or modifying any personal growth or wellness program or technique, and with any questions about your well-being.

REFERENCES

Healyourlife.com. (2018). 10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief. [Online] Available at: https://www.healyourlife.com/10-best-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief  [Accessed 26 Dec. 2018].
Kübler-Ross, E. and Kessler, D. (2000). Life lessons. New York: Scribner.

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